What is Love!?!

I’m in love again! Oh yes I am! And like always, I have fallen in love with the right man at the wrong time. And this gets me thinking if love actually exists or is it just an over-exaggerated emotion, an illusive dream that leaves you in the blink of an eye!

And this also reminds me that there still are many unsolved issues in my life which are choking me to death. I need to weed them out...permanently before I move on.
Well... the dilemma this time is between being in love and being loved. I never felt as close to Hamlet as I’m feeling right now. My “to be or not to be” are even graver than his’!

On one hand, there is a man who claims to love me from the bottom of his heart and is everything that I ever dreamt of in my life mate. What more, I even know him since a real long time... so much so that it seems like eternity now. He was my bestest friend, my buddy, my support system. He helped me through thick and thin and led me to saner pastures when insanity was running amok through the grey cells. He looked after me when I was ill, held my hand through the pain and fed me as if I was a fledgling and he, the mother bird. He was always there. He understood me and was always a true gentleman and expressed his love in no unclear terms. He felt pride in holding my hand in front of the world and show me off to his family and friends even during those horrible “under eye circle” days. He sure loved me, I always thought and felt an insane sense of excitement run through my spine. The best part about him was that he had fulfilled my childhood dream of being proposed to with a rose in the hand, a song on the lips and a knee down on the ground. I felt this was true love until the day he said it all.

His love for me was immense yet he could not stand up with me against his parents, he had told me over the phone one night. The age difference of mere 3 years between him and me was a hindrance, he reported like a dutiful child. But he will try, till the time the night sky is lit with stars, he had promised in true heroic fashion. Three years passed in the tug-of-war between parents and him, but he could still not muster up the courage to convince them or go against them. The distance and space only complicated things. He bid goodbye at least 20 times, only to come back each time, pleading that his love be given one last chance. Tired and exhausted, I clung on to him like a baby ape because I believed he loved me though my faith wavered more than just a single time.

But I’m still confused if he really did. Why did he hurt me over and over again? Why didn’t he leave me alone? Perhaps, that is what love is all about! I was beginning to go mad. Had left everything to destiny and the Almighty. Interactions reduced to minimum, finally fading out amid all the arguments and exchange of bitter words. He could not fight his parents; I could not let the sword of uncertainty hang over my head till eternity. I needed mental peace. He vanished with a promise to come back but hope was leaving me.

Giving up the struggle, I settled down to another option – of not getting married ever and not letting any man or his mother exploit my emotions. But destiny plays the cruelest of jokes on me. And this time was no different. Came across a man through common friends, liked him, talked to him for hours every night, met him and fell in love with his simplicity, passion, missionary zeal, honesty and sincerity. I say “fell in love” with his simplicity, passion etc etc ‘cz I no longer believe there is anything called love that can bind two individuals together. It is all a matter of convenience. 

Anyway, coming back to the new man. He is straight forward and honest. Does not fool around or makes tall claims about his feelings or emotions. He is clear-hearted and views everyone with the same eye. He wipes tears and makes sure the every eye glistens with happiness.

He is a die-hard patriot and can do anything to fight for honour – his motherland’s, his men’s, his family’s, his friends’ and even of any unknown person walking down the street. This is one quality that pulled me to him. And makes me believe I’m in love with the person that he is under that immensely handsome, fair visage.

And needless to say, I am confused about what to choose – being loved or being in love, especially when the first case has bleak chances of survival and the second one is the perfect concoction for confusion between existence and over-exaggeration!!