...Not Our Love Story!

I think I may actually be over him. It just happened about five minutes ago. I can’t really explain it; I was looking through some old pictures of us together, and was staring at his face. That face. That gorgeous face! I actually zoomed in a little. But when I looked, when I really looked, and reminded myself of all the things he’s done, and all the pain he’s caused, that face got…uglier. Feels taboo just writing it. Feels like an almost lie. But you know how people say that a beautiful person can become ugly with their personality? I think that just happened for me. 

I reminded myself of how he ignored me over all his annual breaks. I reminded myself of how after two years he broke my heart and even forgot all those promises of a lifetime together. That was selfish and thoughtless. I reminded myself that I would never do those things to him.

I reminded myself of the times he’s been cold, the many times I’ve felt so alone, even though he claimed to be there for me. I reminded myself of the back and forth game he has played with me, breaking up now and making up then, saying he wanted to get back together and then backing out. How he drove me home in tears on several occasions after we fought over his non-committal attitude and how, for weeks on end, he didn’t even bother to text me or call to see how I was doing. How much that hurt me. I reminded myself of the 14 months that I did not see him. 

I reminded myself that we were perhaps never together yet he implied that we weren’t really one hundred per cent broken up… reminded myself when I said broken up couples don’t do this and he said but that’s not completely where we are at. I reminded myself how we are broken up and how that is completely where we are at. 

Now, I am thinking about what a fool I’ve been. How I allowed him to hurt me so badly, not once but a million times. Now I am thinking about how one small mistake, like getting back together, could ruin a bit more than I wanted to admit. 

An.. you were a lovely person to me once. Smart and funny and so beautiful. Now you are not so beautiful. You’ve done it, you’ve really done it. Broken my heart, and did not even allow me to pick up the pieces. Now I think there’s just about a slim to none chance things will ever work out between us. Because I deserve better than someone who has to take two years to figure out what he wants. Because I deserve better than someone who is scared of his family. Because I deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be with me right now, this minute, no matter what the future brings, even if they are stuck with me forever. 

I usually fall for the sappy love story where two broken hearts realize how much they love each other, and get back together in the end. I usually want to be the leading lady in that love story. Sorry that love story isn’t ours. It never will be!