Reflections!

The last decade seem to have passed by in a daze, yet how I yearn to erase it from my life and memories forever! I wish the 10-years-long, heady mix of actions and reactions, love and pain, smiles and tears, dependence and independence, trust and betrayal, faith and despair, and most importantly, of losing the real me amid the frenzied crowds, were not part of my life and I could re-live and re-invent the entire decade the way I wish.

Strangely, while on one hand, life brought immense love and happiness to me during the decade gone by, it also brought along a trail of sadness, despair, disappointment, tears, misery and heartbreaks.

Whether I should be happy to have experienced the over-exaggerated, over-hyped, and over-rated emotion called 'love' or be sad that it even happened to me, not once but many times over in 10 years, is a question that has continued to haunt me and lead me to many-a-sleepless night and bouts of depression for long. Yet, I feel the pain was too much in comparison to the love to make it a memorable experience.  

Thanks to the experiences of the last one decade, life, at times, seems to have become a weary drudge, difficult to bear (today being one of those days); yet at other occasions, it feels not so bad (hopefully, tomorrow will be brighter and happier). 

The fact that I do not let my emotions out, except for an occasional teary outburst, just adds to the emotional burden weighing down my lonely heart!

What makes it worse is that the ill-luck refuses to leave me alone. And it is not limited to my love life alone. My personal, professional and social life, too, has seen numerous ups and downs in these years. Amazingly, every phase seems to be the worst, only till the next one decides to appear, out of nowhere.

As if destiny gives only to take back and then poke fun at me by ripping apart to shreds whatever I attempt, whatever I do, whatever I say and whatever I want. Even my fervent prayers seem to be falling on deaf ears.

Yet, each day, the heart yearns and wishes for a better tomorrow. Every sunset assures that just like this day has passed, rest will pass too. Every sunrise brings a hope that all will be fine one day. Yet, that better day remains illusive. It seems to be far far away, almost unreal. Don't know when this unwanted phase will be over, if ever i.e.! 

I am tired of the vicious cycle of trial-achievement-defeat. I am tired of facing disillusionment over and over again. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of wishing for my due happiness.

They say, "God isn't granting your prayers because He has something better in store for you or perhaps because you are wishing for something less than your due."  But the truth is - I am tired even of praying.

Wish this cruel decade had not descended upon me. Wish I was once again the happy-go-lucky, fancy free, teeny popper - the one who knew no sorrow or tears, just the magical world of hysterical smiles and impromptu laughter fits.